On a recent flight, one man stood out.
He said please.
He said thank you.
He said excuse me.
The words required seconds. Their effect lasted through every exchange.
He acknowledged the people serving him, respected the shared space around him, and communicated with awareness. The rest of the cabin offered plenty of room for improvement.
The contrast stayed with me because I have spent years serving passengers and leading employees. I have watched people handle delays, crowded spaces, policy limits, mistakes, fatigue, and disappointment.
Pressure reveals habits.
Courtesy reveals leadership.
Courtesy Is Evidence
Courtesy often gets filed under manners, etiquette, or childhood lessons.
Adult courtesy tells a much bigger story.
It shows whether a person recognizes other people’s labor. It shows whether urgency controls their delivery. It shows how they use power, how they enter shared space, and how much friction they add to an ordinary exchange.
“Please” recognizes effort before the task begins.
“Thank you” confirms that the effort registered.
“Excuse me” acknowledges that other people occupy the space too.
Three small phrases communicate awareness, restraint, and respect.
Those qualities belong in every definition of leadership.
Service Environments Reveal Character Quickly
Airports, airplanes, hotels, restaurants, hospitals, stores, offices, and public agencies place people inside shared systems.
Space gets tight.
Schedules shift.
Instructions create inconvenience.
Employees manage several needs at once.
Service workers often receive the emotional overflow created by circumstances beyond their control.
A courteous person can still ask a direct question, request a correction, challenge an answer, or seek a solution. Courtesy keeps the issue clear and the person’s dignity intact.
That matters because service depends on cooperation.
Every smooth experience contains someone’s labor:
- The cleaned space
- The stocked cart
- The completed report
- The answered call
- The safe flight
- The prepared meal
- The coordinated appointment
- The resolved problem
Courtesy recognizes the person behind the result.
The Research Treats Civility as a Workplace Issue
A 2023 systematic review began with 691 search results and included 51 workplace-civility studies. Researchers had enough statistical data from 24 studies for a meta-analysis. The strongest relationships connected workplace civility with organizational commitment, job satisfaction, mental health, and lower intentions to leave. The review also linked civil work environments with lower emotional exhaustion and fewer absences.
That finding deserves attention.
Courtesy affects how people experience work. It shapes energy, focus, trust, cooperation, and the desire to remain part of an organization.
Leaders create that climate through ordinary behavior long before a formal culture initiative begins.
Incivility Costs Time, Effort, and Commitment
Christine Porath and Christine Pearson surveyed 800 managers and employees across 17 industries about their responses to uncivil treatment.
Among the people who experienced it:
- 48% intentionally reduced their work effort
- 38% intentionally reduced the quality of their work
- 80% lost work time thinking about the incident
- 78% reported lower commitment to the organization
- 12% left their jobs
- 25% redirected their frustration toward customers
Their experiments also found that participants who experienced rude treatment produced 25% fewer ideas and scored 30% lower on creativity.
Courtesy may feel small during the moment.
The cost of its absence can reach performance, retention, customer experience, and revenue.
Rudeness Travels
A three-study investigation published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that a single exposure to rude behavior could influence later interactions. The researchers described rudeness as contagious because one encounter increased sensitivity to similar behavior and affected how people treated future interaction partners.
Anyone who works with the public has seen this chain.
One person enters an interaction carrying irritation from somewhere else.
The employee receives it.
The employee carries that tension into the next exchange.
The next customer receives a colder response.
The temperature keeps moving.
Leadership interrupts that chain.
A calm greeting can reset the opening.
A clear request can keep the conversation centered.
A sincere thank you can close the exchange with dignity.
Gratitude Tells People Their Effort Had Value
“Thank you” carries practical weight.
In four experiments, researchers Adam Grant and Francesca Gino found that expressions of gratitude increased helping behavior by strengthening the recipient’s sense of social worth. Appreciation signaled that the person’s effort mattered and encouraged future support.
That explains why a specific thank you often lands differently from a quick, automatic response.
Compare:
“Thanks.”
With:
“Thank you for explaining that clearly.”
Or:
“Thank you for catching that detail.”
Or:
“Thank you for staying with this until we found a solution.”
Specific appreciation names the value.
Leaders should pay close attention here because appreciation carries additional weight when it comes from someone with authority.
Courtesy and Directness Belong Together
Some people associate courtesy with softness.
I see courtesy as discipline.
A person can be firm, specific, and respectful in the same sentence.
Try:
“Please explain what happens next.”
“I appreciate your help. I still need clarity on this part.”
“Excuse me, I need assistance with this issue.”
“Thank you for reviewing it. The concern still requires action.”
“Please connect me with the person who can make this decision.”
Each sentence keeps the request clear.
Courtesy manages the delivery.
Leadership requires both.
Titles Reveal Courtesy
A title gives someone authority.
Daily behavior reveals how that authority gets used.
Watch how a person speaks to:
- Administrative staff
- Custodians
- Servers
- Contractors
- New employees
- Customer-service representatives
- People with limited influence over the outcome
Courtesy directed only toward powerful people is strategy.
Courtesy across roles is character.
Employees study this closely. Customers do too.
A leader may deliver polished speeches about respect while creating tension through interruption, sarcasm, dismissal, or silence.
Culture takes its cues from repeated behavior.
“Please” Respects Labor
A request can stay direct while recognizing the person receiving it.
Compare:
“Bring me another one.”
With:
“May I please have another one?”
The task stays the same.
The second sentence acknowledges the human being completing it.
This matters in service environments because familiarity can make labor invisible. People see the result and overlook the person who produced it.
“Please” puts recognition at the beginning of the exchange.
“Thank You” Closes the Exchange
Completion ends the task.
Acknowledgment completes the human exchange.
“Thank you” tells the other person that her time, effort, care, information, or attention reached you.
Specific gratitude also tells people which behavior carried value.
“Thank you for keeping me updated.”
“Thank you for handling that with care.”
“Thank you for making the process easier.”
“Thank you for treating my family with respect.”
That kind of appreciation strengthens culture because it identifies behavior worth repeating.
“Excuse Me” Shows Awareness of Shared Space
“Excuse me” acknowledges proximity, interruption, and impact.
It matters in crowded aisles, meetings, waiting rooms, public transportation, family homes, and conversations.
Leadership begins with awareness of impact.
A person who moves through shared space with consideration usually brings that awareness into larger decisions too.
“Excuse me” is a small practice in recognizing that other people exist beyond our immediate objective.
Courtesy Matters Most During Pressure
Ease gives everyone an advantage.
Pressure shows the standard a person has built.
A delay tests it.
A mistake tests it.
A long line tests it.
A policy limit tests it.
A crowded aisle tests it.
A disappointing answer tests it.
Courtesy during pressure communicates emotional regulation. It shows that the person can address a problem while preserving the working relationship required to solve it.
That is leadership.
A Five-Point Courtesy Audit
Use these five questions for one week.
1. How do I make requests?
Listen for commands, assumptions, and missing acknowledgment.
Add “please” where it strengthens the exchange.
2. How do I recognize effort?
Replace automatic gratitude with specific appreciation at least once each day.
3. How do I handle interruption?
Use “excuse me” before entering another person’s space, time, or conversation.
4. What happens to my delivery under pressure?
Track changes in volume, pace, facial expression, and word choice.
5. Does my courtesy stay consistent across levels of power?
Compare how you speak to the decision-maker with how you speak to the person carrying out the task.
Your answer reveals the standard.
The Three-Word Leadership Practice
For the next 24 hours, use these words with intention.
Please
Use it to recognize labor before making a request.
Thank You
Use it to name the value someone created.
Excuse Me
Use it to acknowledge shared space or interruption.
Then pay attention to the response.
The other person may soften.
The exchange may move faster.
The solution may become easier to reach.
At minimum, you will have moved through the interaction with awareness and respect.
The Standard Is Simple
On that flight, one man stood out because he treated courtesy as a normal part of communication.
He made requests with respect.
He acknowledged service.
He recognized shared space.
His behavior required very little time and created a clear impression.
Courtesy is a leadership skill because leadership lives in ordinary moments.
People experience your standards through the way you greet them, request help, receive service, handle inconvenience, and close an exchange.
Please.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Three short phrases.
A complete lesson in how to move through the world.
Try This Today
Choose one ordinary interaction and make your appreciation specific.
Say:
“Thank you for helping me with that. You made the process easier.”
Then notice the effect on the exchange and on your own awareness.
Sources and Further Reading
- Advancing Workplace Civility: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Definitions, Measurements, and Associated Factors
- The Price of Incivility
- Catching Rudeness Is Like Catching a Cold: The Contagion Effects of Low-Intensity Negative Behaviors
- A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior
